WalMart Woes
by Zapwing
Summary: Or, "Why Nightcrawlers Aren't Allowed in Stores"


Okay, I kinda noticed that there aren't many stories here about Nightcrawlers, their habits or where they're from. I mean, come on! How come we don't have any fics about these guys? So, in answer to this dilemma, I have prepared this little one shot.

Enjoy, and review!

I mean it! Review! Or…or else!

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**Wal-Mart Woes **

"Red-Eye!" screamed a familiar voice somewhere in the depths of the mansion. The Nightcrawler chieftain just ruffled his spines and tried to pretend to be asleep. Red-Eye was a fine specimen, his muscles strong, his build light but agile. His hood was thrown back, revealing his black reptilian-insectoid face adorned with white stripes, like a tiger. Protruding from the back of his angular skull, were several black sensory spines, also striped white.

Suddenly footsteps sounded in the room as Dark Ace entered. "Red Eye!" he yelled again. The Nightcrawler huffed inwardly to himself. His eyes remained closed.

"Red-Eye, get off my couch!" yelled Dark Ace.

Red-Eye yawned and stood up from his resting place, his armor clanking in places. "Yes, what is it?" he asked smiling.

"Red Eye," said Dark Ace, holding up a piece of paper in his hands, a scowl on his face. "Do you know what I have in my hands?"

Red-Eye looked at the paper before answering, "It is a letter. I believe it is a form of written communication from one human to another, but if you've forgotten the process, I can always…"

"Shut up!" said Dark Ace "I know what a letter is! And I would dearly like to tell you what it contains. It concerns _you_."

"Oh really? And what does it say?"

"This letter came from Wal-Mart" he continued. Red-Eye remembered that establishment. Dark Ace went there every week for groceries and the like. Red-Eye often came with him for lack of anything better to do.

"Really?" said Red-Eye, in mock surprise "Maybe you've won an award for spending the most time in there in history!" "Shut up" shouted the Talon Commander. "This letter is about you!"

"Well get on with it then!"

Dark Ace glared at the Nightcrawler before reading out loud:

* * *

_Dear Sir,_

_Over the past six months your companion has been causing a commotion in our establishment. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban you from our facility. _

_We have documented all incidents through scrying crystals placed at regular intervals. All complaints are listed below.

* * *

_

_1) Red-eye was seen to take twenty four boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's purses and briefcases when they weren't looking.

* * *

_

"What?!" exclaimed Red-Eye "They could have needed them for later!" In truth, he was a bit flabbergasted. He hadn't realized he was being watched.

Dark Ace scowled and continued to read.

* * *

_2) Red-Eye later walked up to a security guard and told him in an official tone 'Code Three in Diary Products' and watched what happened.

* * *

_

"What is a Code Three anyway?" asked Dark Ace scowling.

"Code Three means that a gunman is attempting to rob the store" said Red-Eye laughing "You should have seen the look on that fat guy's face when they jumped him!"

* * *

_3) Red-Eye then proceeded to place a 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign on a carpeted area.

* * *

_

Red-Eye opened his mouth to give an explanation, but Dark Ace waved an armored hand. "I don't even want to hear it."

* * *

_4) Red-Eye set up a tent in the groceries section and told other shoppers that he would invite them in if they bring him pillows for the Irish Linen Company. On that same day, he walked around asking customers if they had any Grey Poupon._

_5) Whenever a clerk asked Red-Eye if he could help him, he began to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

* * *

_

Red-Eye couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. Dark Ace glared at him. "You should have seen the looks on their faces" said Red-Eye between peals of mirth "They were so confused. One lady even tried to console me, patting me on the shoulder and whatnot!"

Dark Ace sighed through gritted teeth. "Remind me why I always keep you around."

"Because deep down you enjoy my antics. Why? You've never complained about my methods before."

"I never complain! What do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning?"

"Artists have to keep in shape" said Red-Eye.

"Or your mess?"

'That's partly your fault actually…"

"Or your general lack of hygiene?"

"I ran out of soap …"

"Or the fact that you steal my clothes?!"

"We have a barter system…"

Dark Ace scowled again and read on.

* * *

_6) Red-Eye stole a cape from the garments section and ran throughout the store shouting 'Robin, to the Batcave!'_

_7) Apparently unhappy with the clothing on the mannequins, he redressed them in mismatched clothing. Later he was seen darting around the Arcade, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme. _

_8) Red-Eye carried around a can of gasoline and a matchbox while leering at all the customers. Later he hid in a clothing rack, and when people browsed through, he yelled, 'Pick me! Pick me!' until they were frightened away.

* * *

_

"Have you no shame, Red-Eye?" asked Dark Ace.

"Nope" said Red-Eye.

"You" said Dark Ace "Are a nuisance and a disgrace."

"Takes one to know one…"

"And I can clearly not shop again at Wal-Mart, for my dignity has been ruined and I will have to take my business elsewhere."

Red-Eye sighed and stood silent for a minute. Then he said, "You know there are other places to shop."

Dark Ace just scowled at him and left the room.

I'd very much like to say that Red-Eye learnt his lesson and never roused a ruckus again in any sort of department store, but that would be a lie. Two months later, Dark Ace came to him, livid, with a letter from a similar establishment.


End file.
